How Bad Friends Can Hold You Back!
Friends are some of the most influential people in your life. Choosing the right or wrong friends can completely change the direction of where your life goes.
What Are Friends?
It might sound like an obvious question, but have you ever really thought about what friends are? How do you become friends with someone, and what actually makes a good or bad friend?
We naturally make friends with people we meet throughout life, but we rarely stop to analyze why we became friends or what friendship really means to us.
The dictionary definition is “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.” But my definition is a little different. I would define friendship as someone who is on your team—your teammate.
Someone who’s on your team is a person you’ll spend a lot of time with. They’re rooting for you even when you’re not around, and they want to bring out the best in you. And they share the same goal as you.
The Extremes: Best Friend vs. Worst Friend
Before we dive deeper into what makes someone a friend, let’s take it to the extremes.
Think about what would make your best friend versus your worst friend. If we’re talking about character traits, your best friend would be someone who’s always there for you, trustworthy, and genuinely rooting for you to succeed in whatever your goals may be.
Your worst friend, on the other hand, would be someone who’s not rooting for you, isn’t trustworthy, and maybe even works against your dreams and values. You wouldn’t want someone like that in your life, right?
What Makes People Friends
So what actually makes people friends? I believe it comes down to three main things, in this order:
Recurrent contact
Shared hobbies and interests
Similar values, beliefs, and goals
Let me explain what I mean.
1. Recurrent Contact
Let’s take this one to the extreme. If you never see or talk to someone, how likely is it that you’ll become friends? Obviously not likely at all, you can’t be friends with someone you’ve never met or have no contact with.
Now, imagine someone you see regularly over a long period of time, someone you work with, go to school with, or interact with often. The more consistent contact you have, the higher the probability that you’ll become friends, if they meet the next two criteria.
2. Shared Hobbies and Interests
Now let’s say you have that recurring contact, but you don’t share any common interests. You see them often, but they love fishing and you love football. You probably won’t have much to talk about or connect over, right?
But if you both like the same things, say you both love fishing and soccer, you’ll have way more in common. You’ll have things to talk about, things to do together, and naturally, a stronger bond.
3. Similar Values, Beliefs, and Goals
The third category is what I’d call shared values or beliefs about life. Imagine you meet someone at work. You see them every day (check), and you share hobbies and interests (check). Now you find out that you also have similar goals or views about life, maybe you’re both working toward financial independence or both care about self-improvement.
How likely is it that you’ll become great friends? Pretty likely. On the flip side, if you don’t see someone much, don’t share any interests, and have completely different beliefs, it’s safe to say you probably won’t be good friends at all.
Why Friends Matter
So, we’ve defined what a friend is, someone who’s on your team, rooting for you, and adding positivity to your life. And we’ve talked about how people become friends with shared time, interests, and values. But why does all this actually matter?
In my opinion, friends are one of the most important parts of your life. They can be an incredible positive force or a massive negative one, depending on who they are.
For a long time, I didn’t think much about who my friends were, what they stood for, or what they brought to my life. But once I started really thinking about it, I realized some of my friends weren’t adding anything positive. Some were actually detracting from my life.
It’s a hard realization to come to, but it’s true.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.” I’ve found that to be extremely accurate. Whether it’s five, three, or ten, it’s undeniable that the people you surround yourself with have a huge influence on who you become.
When you’re younger, especially under 30, you’re very impressionable. If you hang out with people who are bad influences, it’s easy to pick up their habits and behaviors. I personally know a few people whose lives went completely off track because of the people they surrounded themselves with. Sadly, their lives will probably never be the same.
That’s why I believe it’s so, so important to carefully curate your friend group. You want to be around people who bring something positive to your life. That doesn’t have to mean financially either, it could be joy, laughter, advice, clarity, or motivation. But it should never be negativity, drama, or peer pressure that pushes you away from who you want to be.
The “Team” Analogy
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized I’d rather have one to three really good friends than a large group of people where only a few truly add value.
I like to think of it as a team. Not everyone on a football team plays the same position, but they all share one goal: to win.
Life works the same way. If your team, that is your friends—all want to win their own version of the game of life, whether that’s being financially free, fulfilled in their career, or successful in marriage, it’s hard to lose when everyone’s pulling in the same direction. The more aligned on this you can be the better.
But if half your team is sitting on the sidelines eating cheeseburgers and drinking beer while you’re trying to play, it’s going to be hard to win the game.
What to Do with Bad Friends
So what should you do if some of your teammates aren’t really playing the same game as you?
If you realize certain friends aren’t a positive influence or simply don’t align with your direction anymore, you don’t need to be rude about it. Just because someone’s on a different path doesn’t mean they’re wrong—it just means their journey is different from yours.
You can be honest about it. If they’re truly your friend, they’ll understand. I’ve had this conversation a few times, and most people get it.
Another option is to slowly reduce the amount of contact you have with them. Over time, people naturally fade apart, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you hate them, it just means you’re focusing on your own path.
I’ve done this myself. I’ve narrowed my friend group down to a few close people, and it’s made a huge difference. I still check in with old friends from time to time, but my focus now is on spending time with people who bring out the best in me.
Final Thoughts
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with this topic. Between ages 18 and 23, I had a hard time figuring out which friends were helping me grow and which were holding me back. But over time, I realized that if I really wanted to focus on my goals and become the person I wanted to be, I needed to be intentional about who I spent my time with.
As you get older, you’ll find that many of the people you were friends with in high school or college won’t be the same people you stay close to later in life. That’s completely normal.
People grow, change, and move in different directions. And that’s okay.
Your friends should be your team, people who are working toward their own goals but also cheering you on toward yours. When you have a team like that, life becomes a lot easier and more enjoyable.
This isn’t a black-and-white topic, and there’s definitely a gray area. Some people might even call you a bad friend for cutting off people who no longer fit into your life. But I don’t see it that way. People aren’t static, your old friends will find new friends who share their current interests, and you’ll do the same.
In the end, everyone wins the game when you choose your friends intentionally.